When I was in seventh grade, I was in love with this boy named Blake. We were both thirteen and in retrospect, that was one of the few things we had in common. He was cute. He was smart. He played the tuba. I think that in the end all I wanted was to be his friend. I asked his friend to ask him out for me and supposedly Blake said no.My first venture into poetry involved him and I was crushed when I tried to show him this beautiful poem that I'd written about him and he went off and just ignored me. I'll never forget the day I came to school to find out he was dating Lisa. I never got over my resentment for her. Nevermind how long its been, how long I've been over him, the fact that Lisa is now at Ithaca. None of that matters anything. I know she's a nice girl, she's funny and athletic and people like her. But I know deep down, I'll resent her a bit for that cause it hurt. I've never been hurt like that before because this was the first real pain, you don't forget that.
Eventually I got over Blake and was better off for it. I learned just how powerful my writing was and thus decided to go off and make it my career.
For the past four years, I've seen him and thought "What the hell was I thinking?" I never found out what I really saw in him but it didn't matter. All I knew was that Blake was this ditzy pretty boy who got away with things because his father is one of the town legislators. I didn't resent him. I played with this joke in my head that Blake would either come out in college or marry a woman just for the sake of a trophy wife. I never said this to his face of course because that's just mean and heartless and I loved him at one point. He didn't deserve to hear me bitching about his presumed sexual preference.
This past October, Maggie came and went to school with me. We were sitting in the senior lounge and so was Blake, listening to his music, talking to someone about the percussion talents of John Bonham (I think). Still cute (relatively sexy, stylish) and still smart.
In walk these two girls, Sharon and Josie. Maggie looks up just in time to hear them call him a fag, a pansy and a "fucking homo."
Within seconds Maggie makes note of the change in his demeanor from that of someone tuning out the rest of the world to listen to his cds to someone who tunes into his cds to avoid the people around him. Sickened, Maggs and I leave the lounge and contemplate returning to take Blake out of there. We go back and ask him to come back into the study hall with us. He does and we sit there talking to him. We tell him how no matter what the truth is behind the name calling, he doesn't deserve to hear people calling him such abrasively offensive things. Nevermind if he's gay or straight, it's rude, inhumane and insulting.
I hugged and sat next to him. The three of us and Amy sit next at the table. I start to tell a story.
I told Blake the story of how I was in love with him in seventh grade and that I wanted so badly to be with him. How I wrote this poem about him and was crushed that he didn't read it or show interest in it or me. Blake told me he didn't even know I liked him. He had no clue about my feelings for him yet he did remember the poem. I was speechless when he said that.
Two months later, those idiotic girls still call him that and I ask him how he keeps it from offending him and driving him insane. He insists that he doesn't let it get to him because he knows its not true. Blake swears he doesn't care what people think about him, yet I can't help but want to run and hug him when they get disrespectful and act up on him because deep down, I'll always love this guy and want the best for him.
I promised him today that I was there and that when the girls go off and act like the homophobic bitches they are, I'll be there waiting to give him a hug.
He said again that it wasn't a big deal and that those girls are hurting themselves more by being so singleminded and offensive. Lastly, he thanked me but promised that it didn't matter because he wouldn't let it get to him.
I asked if he'd promise me that he wouldn't be too proud to come to me for support when it does start eating at him.
And Blake said yes.
