I've been putting off writing an entry in here for December. Maybe it's something internal and subconscious that's the cause but in any case, here I am. For the past few weeks, I've been trying to get it out of my head that I can be friends with my exboyfriend, exDave. All this because of the fact that for every ounce of insecurity that my parents have that I could control and trust myself around him, I had two. It's been too long since I've been with a guy in the romantic sense where he was true and genuine and that last person was exDave...a year and a half ago. I was too young. I was 16 and exDave was, well, not.
Up until Saturday night, there hadn't been one time where I was over his house and there was no kissing or sexual activity involved. I showed up on his doorstep in my usual fashion - by surprise - and sat on his couch watching the Toronto Maple Leafs kick the New York Rangers' asses. *Sidenote - Leafs won, 8-2, they were amazing*
While I was there, I kept waiting for something to happen again and I realized that the only reason why I wanted something to happen with him is because he's comfortable. I've been there, done that, know where everything is, how everything works. I know where things go with him and what to do to make him happy. I cannot say the same of any other person in my life right now. So in the effort to release my sexual tension/energy/frustration, it would be all too easy for me to run over to exDave's house and plant myself in his bed. He wouldn't know what hit him and wouldn't object...this point proven this weekend when we watched South Park and I collapsed sideways into his arms on the couch in frustration over jokingly not knowing what the fuck those guys were thinking when they wrote it. I'm getting used to the fact that platonic girl and guy friends can sit on a couch in each others' arms and not have to overanalyze it into meaning more than friendship.
I know where I stand with him in that I don't stand with him. It's just nice to have a warm place to go and see a friend when it's cold outside and I need a warm place to go to see my friend.
I am still sexually repressed (thank you Maggs, that's a fucking excellent word for it). I am still unnattracted to exDave.
I still know I can and will do better than him.
