Well, like it or notYou can't fly too far without getting caught.And all the space that you've got,it don't mean a lot,cause I'm an astronaut.Astronaut - Jian GhomeshiThere is a positive/funny note at the bottom of this page. Just read for it.
We all need to stop being petty with each other. I've been saying this for months but today just cemented the fact that there's a lot of shit in this world that shouldn't exist, but does and God only knows why.
There's always that one kid you've known to just be quiet and take all the crap you throw their way. The petty insults, degradation, immaturity and insecurities that originate in yourself, you toss it at them. And they take it. Yeah, they hurt, but that doesn't matter because you're not the one who has to dry their tears, right?
Wrong. You're the one who has to sit back and cry after you hear the news that they've killed themselves for an unknown reason, when all the while you know deep down that you didn't exactly help the situation, that the shit you felt the urge to expell at them just might have been part of what led them to snap themselves in two.
I do have a point with this. Please keep reading. Place yourself in my shoes.
This morning you went off to hand in your prom contract. You get back to homeroom and everyone's looking outside as though the skies hold the answer to the troubled looks on their faces. They are eerily silent. "It happened yesterday afternoon."
Being the Johnny come lately that you are, you have no idea what these seven people you call your classmates are talking about. Innocently, you ask that wonderful question, "What happened?"
They look at each other and then back at you after they've seemed to elect a representative to answer your question.
"Albert Brown killed himself last night," Rafi says to you and then sits down, eventually crumbling into a ball of tears you never thought you'd see him become.
That's how my morning went. The entire senior class collectively learned that he'd shot himself yesterday at around 4pm. He wasn't even 18, or maybe he was, but age doesn't matter. He had barely begun to live and he took away the possibility of that happening. All day, remnants of survivor guilt run through the faces of the rest of your senior classmates. They all seem to say the same thing, "I didn't know him. If I did, I'd be more hurt than I am right now. But, if I had known him, maybe he'd have wanted to live, maybe he wouldn't have felt so lonely, I could have been there for him, etc. I could have done something. No, I should have done something."
I went through my yearbook from last year just an hour ago. My mom had heard about the suicide because she works at the elementary school. So, she asked me if I'd had any pictures of him. I sadly said no, then thought about how many years he'd been in my homeroom in elementary school. But I found his photo in last years yearbook and since then I've been angry. I barely knew him. I'm not mourning half as bad as the people who did. But I am in shock.
After I consoled Rafi in class, I took it upon myself to take out the printout of one of my favorite entries. He read it and laughed quite a bit. He didn't thank me, but his face did. Later, I drove Beth home at the end of the day. I told her about how I was suicidal two months ago and she was shocked. She told me that if I'd gone through with it, she would be in therapy depressed over my death.
This has proven to me that I am incapable of taking my own life, no matter how depressed or how "bad" I say things are.
Life is indeed too short to die by your own hands. Besides the anger, I'm taking it well. While writing this, I'm listening to Jian's "Astronaut." I'm been very open and I'm taking every (appropriate) moment to vocalize any thoughts I can't contain about Albert's death.
I just wish I knew how to end this entry on a postive note. Ooh, here's a try:
Find out the next time Dane Cook is coming to your area. He's a fabulously, hilarous and very hot comedian.
In the future, everything is going to be so much faster. You can get to work in a flash but the DMV will still take 9 seconds. 'NINE SECONDS?!?!?!? I'M SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK IN 3 SECONDS! GOD DAMMIT!!
I must find the tape I had of him on comedy central from a while back. He is funny as hell.
Take care, everyone.
