I've been needing a bit of time to let some of these feelings come to a head and here they are.I'm petrified.
I'm petrified of that day. I'm not worried about when I get there and start unpacking. I'll be fine with that. That'll be cool to get settled in. What worries me is when I leave to get breakfast/lunch/dinner and I have to go to the cafeteria where I will know nobody. Nobody will know my name and I'll have to get myself a seat alone. I'm afraid that the people I accidentally find a seat with are going to be seniors and they'll laugh at me for attempting to sit with them when I'm a lowly freshman. I'm afraid that I won't find anyone to sit with and I'll just sit alone. I don't know which is worse, sitting alone or sitting with people I don't know. On my scale of anxiety, it's the same thing.
I think it's cause I hate small talk. I hate calling people if I have nothing to say because I'm afraid that there will be blocks of silence in the conversation where the person on the other end is thinking, "She's boring. I'm gonna hang up and give her some shit excuse."
Aside from this, something's sending my radar off in overload. I'm being greatly bothered by something and have been since I got home from the trip. I can't put my finger on it but something's setting me off. Thank god for therapy. I can't really talk about it with too many people. Only spoken about it with Maggie. Something's fucking me lately and not in a good way.
