First with some light stuff.Has anyone who lives in NYC gone to see this man and enjoyed the show? Are you a fan? If so, let me tell you something. Gavin Degraw went to my school and graduated not six years before I did. I was in a play with him when I was in 6th grade and had the biggest crush on him. I live about 10 minutes away from his house. That's enough jealousy provoking for any of his fans that read my page, if there are any of you that are lurking.
Okay. It's time we have a talk here.
Some of the issues I had surrounding my sexual assault are resurfacing.
It's been five years.
It's just about that time of year that it happened too and I'm a bit fucked up right now. I'm dealing with affection and my negative reaction to it. Yesterday in therapy, my breakthrough was that I realized why I squirm when people react positively to me in a physical or non physical manner of affection. It's because I don't think I deserve their positivity. I feel deep down that if I'd
stopped what my cousin did to me then I'd be more worthy of the affection. So, then I have to sabotage the relationship or decline the offer to loaf around with friends so that they won't get close.
It's like, sometimes I think that if people really knew me, saw the REAL me, got to see who I really was, they wouldn't like it. Or worse yet, they would. And I fear this because I don't think I deserve such goodness. That's why I fuck up and end my good and strong relationships. That's why I for the wrong and unnattainable ones.
I was talking with Frank during therapy yesterday. I told him that I thought I was doing alright. I told him that I don't think about it quite as often as I used to, if ever. And he said something that just opened the flood gates: "Sally, you are always thinking about it, whether you know or like it or not."
And I cried. I may not actually know it, but it's always there. I didn't think that it was, anymore. Yet, it manifests itself into everything else I do, the people I date, those I hang around with, the way I act with them, etc. All because I choose to ignore it. It's too painful.
I obsess over men and it's become second nature. If I do this, then I don't have to face the pain. I've been doing that for 5 years. It's like my drug, my anesthetic.
You can only imagine how numb I must be. It's time to let the medication wear off for a change.
