Christ, it's quiet.I went to the sweet 16 party of my friend Laura tonight. I felt sick in the midst of it. Might have had something to do with seeing Tony or maybe it didn't. I'm not sure. Or maybe it was all the food I ate at the beginning of the night. Who knows?
But around 10:30, I up and left. I got bored. I didn't feel like dancing. I felt as though I'd gotten all dressed up for nothing. So, I internally said "Fuck it," which seems to have become my motto concerning my course 3 class and just about anything else I may think about fretting over, and I left. I had laundry to do.
Or at least that's what I told myself.
There are two smart independant woman things that I could have done tonight. I did one of them. The other hung in the wings. I left a party that I wasn't enjoying and wouldn't have a shot in hell of enjoying because of the presence of one person. The other option would have been to stay anyways, knowing that in the end I'd be pissed that there was no interaction with said person. I wouldn't have enjoyed myself. I wasn't enjoying myself.
The DJ was a flirtatious dick. If that makes any sense, congratulate me cause I'm not sure. You know those guys. They act all dick-like and then think that it's funny and sexy of them. This was a man of semi-assholian content.
I felt physically sick near the middle of it. I didn't belong. I've said this before in several situations. In Toronto, AJ made a good point. I said that I didn't feel as though I fit in and he shot back with "That's because you don't." It was a simple retortion but it made more sense than anything else that had happened on the trip. I didn't belong with these people tonight or any night.
I ate. I gave Laura a copy of Jobey Stites for her birthday. It was the first time that I'd given my story to someone that I hadn't known as a gift. She was thrilled to have something that took more effort than it would take to sit on a line to pay for a birthday card. She'd read the short story version of it that wasn't included in the censored edition of the Lit Magazine and said that it made her feel better when she was going through a rough time the other day. I have to tell you, the support and recognition I'm getting for that story is encouraging. So, I printed out an extra copy and gave it to her tonight.
I am sssssssooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. Goodnight all.
