I've had my license for a year to date. I remember when I thought it was a special thing to have and yes, I do still think it's a priviledge, but now it's more of a responsibility. That initial sense of wonder has worn off and now I have to face facts and worry about tire problems and oil leaks and gas prices. Blergh.My oldest brother Jeremy is home. You know how odd it is to be 18 and have a 31 year old brother who moved out when you were 8 that wants to get to know you for who you are now? There's a lot of pressure on me right now, or so I feel, to be that same innocent 8 year-old girl that he left behind when he moved out. I can't do it. And what's worse, I don't want to do it. I don't have the drive to and I feel really shitty about that. Yet, at the same time, I'm not about to force a relationship with someone for the sake of doing it. I'd feel even worse and it would defeat the purpose of doing anything about it.
I have my last regents ever tomorrow morning and I'm going to bomb it hard. We're talking about going down faster than a starving Siberian whore. I hate math. Some find it easy and don't see why I'm bitching, but you can only imagine how strong my drive must be when I'm in this class only because the college wanted it and wouldn't have considered me. I don't need it to pass for the year. I don't need it to get my regents diploma at graduation this Sunday (whee). I sure as fuck don't need it to graduate. And, most importantly, I will never need it to write a novel, so help me God.
Lastly, before I go off and give the old college try at studying for that exam, I'd like for you to read this. I'm trying to do what Frank is teaching me to do: live for the present and not in the future. It's hard. It's so hard. Tony seems to be getting the hint that the thoughts that go through his head are his own and that if I happen to be there when he gets them, it's not my fault and I shouldn't be isolated and contained like a bad virus or something.
Fuck it all. Fuck worrying about what's going to or what's not going to happen between us. Wish me luck with whatever is and isn't going on and let's all pray that I don't have deal if he gets all fuckwitty towards me. And fuck it if he does :)
I'm graduating on Sunday. From so many things.
