Now playing: La Belle Helene, Jaques Offenbach.Now talking to: Anthony.Now eating: Nothing, but does thinking about tea count?Now thinking: I'm way too cyclical and don't give my heart enough credit. I'm here writing again. Read this in case you haven't.
I have that extremely nervous feeling in my stomach, well, actually it's centered around my throat. It's nearly a giddy feeling. It's one of those "I-THINK-something-really-good-is-going-to-happen-to-me-and-I'm-excited-because-I-haven't-fucked-it-up" type feelings.
I'm remembering things that are going to bite me in the ass should this go the wrong way.
I am way too hard on myself when I think about things. Thinking about what happened that night with Tony shouldn't make me sad or frustrated (at least not in a bad way). I should feel excited thinking about it, instead, I beat myself up thinking that I should have moved on by now. And I haven't, which only makes it worse. I am happy when I think about what we've done together. It's not a torturous thing anymore.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the kiss. Satin soft lips that just screamed to me silently as they opened wide. Strong and year-long tanned hands running all over me, down my back and up my shirt. At one point, we stopped and kissed slowly, this time his hands were cupping my face. I am usually not one to go for the all out French kiss. I never know what to do with myself (two years since my first kiss, gimme a break). I'm much more of an open mouth person with teasing. But I remember the vast openness that had to be filled while we had our arms around each other. It was dead silent around us, with the exception of the mass amounts of exhalation that just kept coming. Prom time comes around and there we go again. I'll probably never forget that feeling in my stomach or the look on his face and sound of his voice, fuck it, I'll never forget anything about when he took the black sash/shawl thingie out of my hands at Sara's house and said "This came in very handy tonight, didn't it?" And it did. He'd use it to pull me closer or to drag me down to the floor while we danced.
It is too fucking hot. Why am I thinking about this when it's this balmy? I know that I have just a little while longer here before I go off to college and that any relationship I could have will most likely end by September or later, but I've really been wanting this and him to work out. Why cancel on something with someone I care about when those two months may be all I have with him?
There's logic to everything. *sigh* :-D
