So, today was a day for g'byes.I've said it before, I'm sure, but just to reiterate the idea: exDave is moving to Virginia for the summer. He lost his job at Livingston Manor Highschool and is going to do some summer grad work down south. exDave might staying from there if job opportunities pan out around Albany. He's trying for places in Massachusetts and the like.
I'm now going to do something that I've never done in here. exDave will now be referred to as Dave. He's human. I'm done villainizing him.
Dave had some of my videotapes at his apartment and called me the other day to ask me what I wanted to do about them. We'd agreed that, if all else failed, he'd give them to me in Albany. But today, my instincts kicked in with the thought that he might never come back up here and I'll never see him again. And so, I got sad. I panicked. I picked up the phone, called him and then agreed to come over within the hour to get the tapes and bid him farewell. I drove. Thinking about the finality and all of that. I thought about how different things might be if we'd lasted those two years until I was legal.
I got to his apartment and the moving van is outside. Three of his friends from school were helping him load it up. He's out wearing his superman shirt and a red cape. I smiled, remembering just how much he wanted to get a red cape while we were dating so that, well, you can guess.
I walked inside and up the stairs and we were alone. I felt as though I was staring at this waste land. I remembered the night he gave me my first kiss while we watched MadTv, how he bought 5, instead of 4 RENT tickets with his last dime so that I wouldn't feel left out. This is the guy that introduced me to Moxy Früvous two years ago. Without him, I'd be a different person. He's the first one to whom I ever said "I love you" and meant it.
I was trying my hardest not to look in the general direction of his bedroom where several other of my firsts occurred. Then Dave moved towards his bedroom to get something out of his closet, (again, birthplace of another first), and I followed. He looked at me. "Damn you and this bedroom," I said to him and smiled. "Put that stuff down for a second and come here for a minute," I said. "I'm going to miss you," I hugged him and then we kissed.
I've never been through this before, I'm sorry, I don't know how to vocalize what I want to. I am generally sad in thinking that I'm never going to see this guy again. I wish I knew how to say what's going on within me. I really loved this guy and I fucked it up. Nevermind that I was too young or whateverthefuck, I loved Dave. And I'm always going to, I just try and hide it behind the exDave persona of a jackass who would dare to move to MY college town. But I don't own Albany and I don't own his future. He'll still piss me off, of that much I'm sure. But I'd rather there be the possibility of him pissing me off in person than never seeing him again.
And yes, AJ, Tony appears to be a dead issue. Cindy committed, or so it seems. Considering the way my head is about him and all the loves in and out of my life right now, that's the healthiest choice and the way it was obviously meant to be.
I can't control fate.
