So, this is my last entry before I leave for college. I have to clarify some things. I love Tony. I cry because I don't want to miss anything that could happen between us. I always wish for one more day. Tony always tells me not to cry because I'm not going that far away. And every time he does this, I want to argue that "Yeah, well if I'm not going that far away and if you're convinced that nothing will change between us, why aren't we dating?" I am insecure about what will happen between us. We have never really worked as friends while he's dating someone so who's to say what will happen when he gets a new girlfriend or I start going out with a guy from school? That's why I worry. I do not know what will happen between us and it upsets me.
But I love how much faith he appears to have. I remember when I went to his house before going to this party and his mother asked me what college I was going to. I told her and said that it was near Albany. She looked over at Tony and said "Oh, so that's why you're so interested in colleges from around that area."
I laughed. He blushed. The night went on. And here I am today.
You know, we have this connection that I don't think I fully appreciate nor do I think he is aware of. Part of me just knows that it will hit him in a few days that he will no longer be able to just pop over my house at whatever hour to talk to me and when this happens, he'll be upset. I want him to be upset. I want to know how much he cares. That's all I've really asked for :)
I've done so much to him this summer that I don't blame him for being extremely confused by how he feels for me and how he thinks he *should* feel for me given our situation.
I kept saying I'm over him but I'm not. I don't know when that day will be but I'll enjoy this feeling while it lasts because I've never been happier when I'm around him.
Time to go. I'll write again tomorrow night when things have settled and I have cable connection and not dialup.
Welcome to the world.
