Morning.I'm taking much of today's entry from my conversation with AJ last night because I went to bed late and have a bad memory when I get little sleep. Plus, I said it very well last night. So, here goes.
Tony called me a few times yesterday to see if I wanted to go to Middletown and hang out. But, I was already there so it was pointless. I got his call at around dinnertime yesterday and so I get some food together here and drive down. We sit on his couch watching the MTV Music Awards (which I missed due to the dorm meeting on Thursday night). A few times, he lies down on top of me, actually, his back on my back. Nice right? This happens a few times. Sometimes he gets up and it becomes he lying ontop of me, his chest to my back. Or, he's on the side of me and has a hand on my lower back. I'm thinking 'Damn, this is great.' For a while, we're just lying there and I can feel him breathing down my neck. It was great. I haven't been like this with anyone except for Dave and that was 2 years ago.
It was going nice. And then I ruined it, I suppose. I was right there in the moment. Our faces are so close that when he talks, I can feel his breath on my face. So, all I do is put my hand on his and pulled it up from the side of the couch. I go to put my fingers inside his and Tony freaks. It's like everything I've fucking done with him over the last 2 months, all that closeness all of it is just nonexistent cause I've managed to flip some cold switch in his head and his body.
Tony says "Whoa...hold up," which he usually does sometimes but means it as a joke and gets away from me. I didn't know what to say so I played it off as though nothing happened but he's distant again. And we're not talking stupid distant, we're talking distant like he used to be while he was dating Cindy. That sort of cold shoulder.
So I do what I did then, I keep trying to get past it. I say to him, "You know what, this always happens. You and I will be fine but then I do ONE thing and you get all cold and pissy with me. Why? I wasn't asking you for anything you didn't seem like you could handle (innocent look)."
Tony is lying on the floor at this point, head propped up to see the TV. "I know. I'm just comfortable here on the floor so I'm not going to come over there."
No, I don't feel all retarded. */end sarcasm*
And so I say so and I get this passive reply that I don't remember now but he could have not said anything and it would've had the same effect because there were so many thoughts in my head that if he said anything, it was the equivalent of "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH." A bomb could have gone off outside and I wouldn't have heard it, it was THAT loud in my head. I'm sure you've been so confused that you can relate.
Part of me desperately wanted to get back to where we were on the couch and the other (*non-horny*) part wanted to walk the fuck out of the apartment. The masochist that lives inside me stayed just to see when/if it'd get interesting. And it did. I put my shoes on, took my cell from the coffee table, pulled my hair back and appeared like I was getting ready to leave I sit and watch SNL pretending to be interested in how Christopher Walken always reads the cue cards. But all the while I'm thinking about how I'm going to get out of this house in one piece and with as little awkwardness as possible, you know? And I'm waiting.
I look away from the TV. "Listen, I'm gonna say this and I don't want you thinking that I'm angry, per se. BUT, I will always get the wrong idea from you until you know what you want from me and you act like it." I see him rolling his eyes. He has the perfect response to me, I suppose and says "I do not get you. You get upset when I don't flirt with you. You get mad when I do because you think there's some meaning behind it. How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Stop. Stop right there. I know exactly what you're going to say and I've heard it before and I believe you. But then you go off and you hold me like you did before and I'm supposed to react like we're just friends?"
It's dead silent. I get my stuff together and ask him if he'll at least see me out. He holds the door open for me and I go to hug him. He places a hand on my stomach and pushes me away.
"You won't even hug me?""No," he says. We say goodnight and that's it. He shuts the door on me. No smile. Nothing. Just absolute silence.
I went home and I bawled while driving. I cried for at least an hour last night over this.
Tony and I have not spoken since. But I have emailed and I'm fucking confused by this.
I do not understand how my touch could ever make someone so cold. I feel rejected. I feel a little empty. I do not feel so right anymore. This is awful.
I have to find a way to work this out. I want to be back where we were yesterday before anything got more complicated than it already was.
He could have at least hugged me. Was that too much to ask?
