There's a reason why I'm at this college. Whether it is that I have to become a better Christian or that I have to come to terms with the anxiety religion presents to me.I mean, I let go of faith after Matt attempted to rape me. I rejected religion and become hesitant around these people, these catholics, who have no idea - it seems - of the crises and the bad things that happen to good and truly innocent people like I was. I want them to know and I want them to feel the pain too.
I feel as though I can't trust the religious figures here because theat's what Matt was in my eyes. That is what all these people represent to me and they scare me. I am afraid. I want to go home.
Yet, I know that there is a purpose for me here. A reason why. maybe it's to see a different side of God and everyone who follows him because I picture them following it blindly. I am angry with the hypocrasy of everyone and everything I've known about the Christian/Protestant church. I don't want to offend anyone who follows either faiths. This is how I'm dealing with it. It's all new to me.
It struck me while talking to father Jim that I was drawn here by something and some force. That maybe it wasn't a mistake of not making it to Toronto to check out York University before the deadline.
I remember leaving for my interview at college last November. I saw a photo of one of the friars. I was instantly uncomfortable because of what he represented, the hypocrasy, the never knowing but also he represented the faith that I lost and wish I had today. I wish I could both believe and be comfortable with being in a religion, following it and everything it is.
I have the power to but I have to find the strength to believe in what Matt appeared to and have the faith that I will not THEREFORE become all of the evil he represents to me.
I cannot ignore anything any longer. I need to be as strong as I've always been but I need to be brave enough to show it. I am better than Matt. I always have been.
There's this need inside me to explore the church. Sitting and throwing up in the bathroom Monday afternoon gave me a lot of time to pray to God. And I did. I was petrified with what I thought was going to be tremendous pain, I mean, it hurt to think. I mean that. Thinking hurt. But I wondered later if I should go to the campus church. I felt drawn there but I didn't go. I've never felt that before.
I'm going out tonight. I need to get away for just a few hours.
For now, I'm going out to eat lunch with Maura.
Hope you enjoyed this insight into my religious conflict. AJ got the full brunt of it last night and we spoke on the phone while he searched for buddy icons on badassbuddy.com.
AJ, you rock. More than you know. Thanks for calling and listening. I really needed that from you.
