Home is cold, do you know that?Well...it is...and I don't like that. The college has spoiled me with it's constant and beautiful heated rooms.
Damn it all.
So yeah, I'm here. I'm tired but I'm home now.
I think I maybe told one of you about this but my maternal instincts have been kicking in lately.
What the fuck, right? I'm only 18.
I want a son. Two of them. Gabriel and Julian (in that order). That's it. I don't think I can handle a daughter. I wouldn't be disappointed but I'm a mental handful and I'm thinking she would be the same way. But I got creative and have a name for her as well. First name: Alexandra, middle: Cass.
I sat in my bed up in Albany and looked at the photos on my wall. I imagined showing the pictures to my kids. I saw myself showing them pictures of all these guys.
"Mommy? Who's that?""Gabe (5 years old and very, very smart and clever), that's Jian.""How did you know him?""I stalked him for a while when I was teenager. We lost touch and haven't really spoken since.""Oh. Did daddy ever meet him?""No. Nobody's seen Jian in about ten years. After his hair went gray and became resistant to hair dyes, he took to a cave in Afghanistan.""Oh. Who is this?""That's an old friend of mine. His name is Tony.""Where is he?""He lives in this country called Paraguay. It's in South America. There he plays soccer and has three wives.""Does Daddy have three wives?""No, sweetie and neither should you, it isn't nice. Here's a photo of Uncle Adrien.""I miss him.""So do I. We spoke the other night though and he sends you his love.""Did you tell him I loved him, too?""Of course I did. But you were sleeping so I let you rest. He and Uncle Tim are coming over this afternoon for our Thanksgiving dinner.""Mom, why do I have two uncles?"*short pause to think.*"Gabe, that's because no girl was good enough for Uncle Adrien.""Not even you?""I love you, Gabe." We hug."I love you, mommy.""Now, go and get dressed for the feast."
Lately I've been thinking a lot about how it's going to be when I have kids. Maybe it's just due to the influence my own father has had on me or it's due to my arrogance and possessiveness over the things that I've created, I see myself spending more time with my kids than my husband will. I picture a parenthood in which I spend a hell of a lot of time alone with my child in public and stuff. It's partially due to my jealous nature though and how I predict jealousy over my man spending more time with my kids than me. I'll get over it. I'm sure of that because I don't want the jealousy to happen.
I don't want what happened with between my brother and dad to happen between my husband and son: the cat's in the cradle syndrome. I want him to be just as involved in the life and I think he will be. Jeremy and dad's relationship is just too fucked up and strained.
I still have that conventional idea of being married first and then having kids (Unless I'm in my mid to late 30's, then we can have kids early on or whatever). Sex before marriage is okay with me, but kids? No. I want a few years of marriage where I get to have all the sex I want without the worry of being like my mom and getting pregnant a month after she and my dad wed.
Cause I'm sure I'll become a complete nympho due to my years of repressed sexual energy and will thus be on birth control pills for the first three to five years of our marriage.
Yeah, like my husband will mind.
Happy Thanksgiving, America! Hope you're all out there stuffing your faces. I'm leaving this entry up for a bit of time because I think it's good. Have a great holiday :)
Love,
Sally
