Credit to Steve Martin for the lines of this book are from his book Shopgirl.'At his house, they are destined to make love but a conversation starts instead. A deadly, hurtful conversation that begins with Ray Porter casually reasserting his independence, talking to her like a friend who is in the know, as if she were his partner in finding someone else."'I was thinking of selling the house here, getting an apartment in New York. I love it there. Everytime I land I get a rush. There's a four bedroom I like that a friend is selling, big enough in case I ever meet someone.''He says it, and there is a message in it, but its cruelty is not intended.'Mirabelle tires. The speech, delivered as though it were an aside, drains her of momentum. Her arms dangle to her sides, and she drops into a chair. She knows this, she knows everything already, she has heard this. Why does he have to reiterate? To remind her that this is nothing?'She looks up at him and asks him a horrible question. "So are you just biding your time with me?"'The answer is awful and Ray doesn't say it. He doesn't say anything at all, just sits next to her.'
Dave's birthday is on Monday. Guess what book I'm buying him? I don't know if he'll actually have time to read it but I won't be able to stress it hard enough that I bought it with him in mind. It's a lie but hey, we all lie.
Whether to ourselves or each other, in one way or another it happens. Deception is a bitch.
What happened the other night with Dave that caused me to make this over? Well, I'll tell you, but it's not pretty.
We had sex Thursday night. Halfway through it, I lose complete interest and withdraw from the situation mentally. This in turn effects everything physically related/necessary for my own enjoyment. I do not tell him. I go along with the motions to make him happy. Remember those words. It's the most honest way to explain what I've done. I get back to the dorm and end up talking with Kate. It's late but she's out on the West Coast so it's early for her. We talk and I explain how I'm not enjoying this but it's not just tonight: it goes deeper. Something's rotten in Denmark, as they say.
I'm spending too much time trying to make him happy instead of focusing on doing that for myself. I'm too giving in this arena when what would make me really happy would do nothing for Dave because I want a commitment. I want us to be exclusive and I was getting that but it was an accident: I'm supposed to believe he's so busy with the twins that aside from work, the social life waved g'bye a bit of time ago.
All that emotional bullshit I thought was just that turned out to be the opposite. Even after three months, he pertains that commitment is not in the cards in his hands and that what is needed to play is not going to be dealt him anytime soon. Harbor all the delusions I want, it's not coming and he's too pessimistic to think that it will. At the end of three months, he is no closer to an emotional attachment to me than he was before we even met and I find that sad. I knew all this going into it and yet still, I proceeded. Nothing any of you could have said to me in passing or in person could have made the difference to me, not when I'm that headstrong.
I lost my mind yesterday. Some of you may think that I'm kidding or using a euphemism, but I really did lose it. I started questioning reality and wondering whether or not I was talking to Scooby Doo or the Peanuts characters. I would keep asking the same questions over and over again because I forgot that I'd already asked them and grew paranoid I wasn't getting the answers to these life and death queries.
I don't remember too much of it now but it all resulted in a migraine at around 9:30. Forty minutes and one Imitrex later, I was better but the situation wasn't. Dave and I are over and I don't know how to deal. I cannot have sex with someone who's just fucking me to pass the time until he gets over past hardships. I am no rebound girl. I'm the girl that causes a rebound.
I'm not feeling anything and I can't tell if that's normal for the end of your first adult relationship.
I spent Sunday night in tears and on the phone with him again as the last person Dave thought he'd hear from so soon. I told him how I'd thought about it (with such great clarity that only 24 hours ALWAYS brings the broken-hearted) and said that we needed to eliminate the sex but he wouldn't hear me or let me finish the sentence. Instead, he interjects with the request that I take a few days (but not three months) and figure out what *I* really want.
Do you know how rare it is for me to be asked that by the romantic/sexual/whatever partner in my life? Fucking rare, if you haven't been keeping score. I think it's a trend. What would Dave do if I just didn't call him for three weeks? What the fuck would happen then, hmm? I'd do it, in an instant but I'm not that mean and I have no distractions at the current moment other than school and that's getting pretty dull.
