It happened two nights ago and I felt weak.I felt unprepared and I made every attempt to be profound and failed because Dave gave me nothing.
He gave me nothing. No hug. No kiss goodbye. When I saw him, I knew. I knew it would be the last time for a long time. It was saddening. I'm sitting there in front of him trying to be cohesive and compare our relationship to one in Shopgirl but he sat there. Like I and the book meant nothing. And I just gave up.
The conversation drowned itself in the student union and this empty philosophical conversation where I explain that we can eliminate the sex card and still be friends but he argues that this is an impossibility because it's all we've ever done - get together and hook up. Dave didn't think it was possible to have anything different occur between us.
And I tried explaining that my perspective on it is now different and that's the reason why things could work out. Friends. No sex. Nothing. Just us hanging out without intimacy.
He says no. It can't work. He didn't even want to try. He didn't want to get together to work this out in person because he wanted to avoid the conflict. He says he has enough of that in his life. And I don't? I am not to be taken lightly but it seems as though I have been.
It's not like I didn't know that he was not going to be as serious as I was but Christ. He did do some major encouragement. I had to push him to speak with me about this. I'll bet he wanted to just avoid this until I forgot about the issue between us so he'd never have to commit and we'd just have sex all the time. Me wanting more than he could give and thinking that I was getting it.
We left each other. ALl this happening in the meeting room. We agreed that a break would be the best option out of the two extremes wiht good reason being that I'm still going to want him more. I guess he doesn't want that reminder of my affections...but they're still there.
I left and cried (bawled) in Kevin's room until 3am before losing it in my own room and falling asleep. I feel as though I've wasted some emotions on him and the thought sickens me. I promised I'd call him in September when I returned to college...
But Dave still haunts me enough now to make the difference.
I am just exhausted. I need more sleep than humanly possible. I'm dealing with this in my new and personal own way.
