Question peeps:How does one go about realizing how big a deal their last relationship was in order to let it go?
Keeping in mind that this was the relationship in which I had many firsts, how do I stop being so blase about a break up that happened three months ago so that I don't have a trainwreck type experience next month when we meet again?
Cause I can say with 90% certainty that if I saw Dave tomorrow, there's a big chance that I'd end up reinforcing the wrong message for both of us: that I'm okay with our relationship just being sex.
Sex with a man who blamed me for why I couldn't finish the last time we had sex. Sex with a man who told me that I should have a talk with myself down there to see what's going on. Sex with a man who actually told me post fact that I'm the only other person he knew (aside from himself) that took forever to climax. Sex with a man who made a comment to me that was the exact equivalent to "Don't worry...it happens to every guy at some point."
All this happened on one night, loves, so I wasn't lucky enough to have it spread out. Not like I wasn't already disappointed with that night, I had to deal with being compared to past lovers, had to feel as though I was broken or defective and that I was the cause and solution to it all.
It was nighttime and we were in his car and it was dark so he didn't see my face. Nor did he see me crying to Kate until 1:30AM when I had class in 8 hours.
So I guess he lucked out.
Reason I didn't yell at him and try to castrate the poor fuck? Well, ya see, it was the first time I'd seen him since the first time we'd slept together in Saratoga two weeks earlier. I was confused from the whole thing, thinking that sex=affection=caring=committment. I thought that because I could seduce him into having sex with me that night, he was still interested in me and therefore; the distance I noticed in the diner beforehand would be nothing if I could make him do this with me.
My own insecurities led the way for me that night because I had no preceding case to compare this against. So three nights later, we're on the phone and he tells me how he's wanted to take a step back from the sex part. This very suggestion causes me to go mental a few weeks later when we break up in the student union at 2am. I bring up his suggestion honestly believing that it might just work and suddenly, he's got a fucking problem with it because he doesn't think it's realistic considering our relationship thus far has been mainly sexual.
And for the record, ya don't fucking break up with your "Sweetie" while they're sick. It's almost just as bad as ending things when a family member dies. I had horrible cold, sinus problems, phlegm, I was attractive. I was also more emotional than necessary that night and it got in the way of my ability to make very good points.
Stupid fuck.
Okay, so maybe I don't need advice on how to get over and realize how major a relationship was.
I just need a printup of this entry to go on my door at both home and college and an army to go against the enemy.
Care to join? Maggie's got it started on my message board. All I need are a few signatures :)
