I never even told you guys that Adrien called me last week. We were on the phone for an hour and a half, reaffirming our hetero/homosexual love for each other by talking about our exboyfriends. Oh how I love that man. Back to the most recent Dave.
Ladies and Gentlemen. Ahem.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not ready to date anyone yet. Unless it's Dave but that would only count as a rebound.
I realized that this is why I wasn't fuckhappy to go on that date Saturday night. And then realized it further as I spent the whole night talking about the relationship. Though, I was doing this mainly to appear less attractive to him and turn him off, I was also painfully aware that there was more meaning to it than I had planned.
And besides, if I'm going to go on a rebound dating spree it should be with men that I'm attracted to sexually. Fair enough. I've been trying not to think about Dave since the date was agreed upon. Maybe this is why the migraines came.
It's easier to be angry with him for things he said ONE last night than for me to cope with the relationship, be happy that I was in it, be thankful that I did receive a fair amount of reciprocated affection, not be angry at him and find some peace so as to move on. If someone could give me a shortcut to that, I'd appreciate it muchly. I can sit here and tell you about how bad Dave made me feel that last night with the harsh words he meant/didn't mean to say that he probably doesn't remember now. I can tell you about those times where I felt special and safe with him (in Saratoga, in his arms in the bed in his apartment: woke up in the middle of the night and a hand was on my waist), where I didn't feel judged (Tony) or insignificant (Alec).
Until then, I'm kinda stuck and it's an odd feeling.
I'm getting the full picture of what this relationship means to me. I mean, I went into it not knowing anything about adult relationships. Sure, I'd "felt strongly" for the "men" in my life before and I knew how to cope with breaking up with someone I'd only kissed and then grew to resent. I knew that game and when Dave sat down with me at his kitchen table to have the "conversation," I didn't believe that breaking up with him would be any different. I took it with a grain of salt like, "Yeah, I got over Tony, I can get over you. You're nothing. You and I just met. Dropping you out of my heart should be a piece of cake."
Psfth. Riiight. Four months ago, I also said that I'd be over it by now.
I know that there will be a flood of some sorts when we next see each other. It will either be full of resentful feelings or hurt or blind, naive happiness to see someone that has made minimal effort to contact me since we broke up. There will be something. Seeing Dave is an eventuality: No matter what mall I work at he will too for a few days before going to work at the other mall in Albany for the rest of the week. Aren't I optimistic?
I guess what I'm saying is that I'd rather see him on my own turf than to see him across the way in public and then walk into a support beam or a plate glass window of a store. Then I'll have a big red spot on my nose and a bump on my ass to go along with the diary entry that will also inevitably follow.
So in the end, dear reader, you'll benefit from the laughter that will ensue and I'll end up sitting on an icepack crying about the pain.
I need to get writing again.
