My head is once again a dark place. Something about being home has made me feel very self-destructive. Though thoughts of suicide aren't anything new to me, the thoughts of actually taking my own life are exactly that: thoughts. I'd sooner hurt myself than kill.I've scared myself today. There is definitely something that needs to be fixed in my head. I've met and spoken with Frank today and we've agreed that I need some antidepressant medication. Tomorrow, I'm going somewhere to get a prescription for that so that things can get brighter inside my head.
I haven't really said that much in here about it and I apologize for that but I don't like facing such things. I've had a lot going on this past week and I ignored the signs of my obsessive compulsiveness getting worse. It got worse for a reason and I didn't pay attention.
I feel really incoherant and a little embarassed to be writing an entry like this again but I have to accept (as do you) that my head is not a pretty place.
I need help. A lot of you out there see a lot more good in me than I do...and believe me I know that there are a few who don't think I'm any good at all (fuck you, for the time being). Sometimes, I think that if you guys really saw the person I am when these words aren't being written, you'd see what I see and run. You keep saying you see someone wonderful in me and sometimes I agree with you while at other I don't.
People irritate the fuck out of me and I hate being a nice person about it. When people ask me to do them a favor (big or small) it is a chore for me, even if I put myself in the position to be asked. Key point: The Ambassadors club emails me asking me if I can do an extra tour on Friday, a day where I only have one class that gets out at 11:30. I want to tell them no, I want to be a hermit, lie and say I'm busy, but it's hard when they know my schedule and that I have nothing to do for the rest of the day. But I tell them I'll think about it because I can't stand being thought of as a slacker by someone with authority.
I need to work on my self-perception. I hope you'll pardon the interruption and the work I have to do to get myself better.
In the meantime, do you think I'm wonderful? Show me. I need to know. I'll even divulge better ways of getting in touch with me than just through the internet. *Stalkers need not apply*
