I am home.I do not want to be here.
I want to be up in Albany watching Ocean's 11 with Nick like last night.
I should elaborate on him. He's 21, works at an engineering firm in Albany. Nick has drawn out a floorplan for his future home that he hopes to build. I keep trying to talk myself out of this, which is why I didn't write about him just yet.
He just feels natural. I can actually be myself when I'm around him because I don't feel the pressure to try. I don't have to try and make him interested. He just is and it's liberating. He listens to me. My expectations have by far been exceeded and yet I'm not used to this at all.
I'm not used to someone wanting to be with me too. I'm not used to the mutuality of this situation.
I find myself wanting to be with him more than I find myself wanting it to go away. This was the problem with exDave and Andrew (republican). They seemed too interested in me. Nick seems just about right.
Last night I almost acted like my past boyfriends. Nick and I are lying on my bed. His arms around me, holding me tight and cozy. It was great.
I found myself getting so turned on by him...not that it's hard. When it was time for him to leave, I just wouldn't let it happen. I expected him to get all horny on me, start putting his hands in improper places so that I could push him away and end a good thing. But he didn't. And so I became insecure of his attraction. I became forceful enough that I was shocked to hear him say "We can take things slow."
Do you know how many times I've heard a guy say that to me? Well? Do you? Do you at least want to guess?
ZILCH. ZERO. NEVER BEFORE. NADA. NIL.
I guess he must really like me cause he isn't trying to get in my pants on date #2 and he's not gay. In the elevator afterwards, I told him that I completely agree about taking things slow. I said what I said to you, that I was not used to someone treating me like a person and not an object. I said I was "sorry if I pushed" him.
He's a mix between "nice" and "dangerous" only because he's sweet AND sexual. He has eyes like Justin Timberlake and he's strong.
And I'm smart enough to know that one of the few obstacles for us is my own overactive, over-analytical mind. My psyche. The same mind that was abused by my cousin, almost a decade ago, into thinking that affection from seemingly trustworthy male individuals should be doubted and put under the magnifying glass until it can be discredited and discarded.
This time, I don't feel like I have to brag about him in order to get other people's approval on our being together. I don't have to externalize it other than saying that he makes me happy.
I want this to work. I can do this. I am better at accepting that I'm "good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-gone it," men can really love me if I open myself up to it.
In other news, I get some more wisdom teeth removed tomorrow. Not sure if it's just one or more but some are coming out.
Niice.
Will add a few things later. Must talk with my Dad :)
