I am so fucking pissed off with diaryland eating my entry.In short, there's a lot going on in the past week that I've both wanted and not wanted to write about.
I've spent the last week doing so many things that I've restricted myself from doing while Nick and I were together.
I've gone out for coffee with Jeff from my early modern philosophy class. What's more, *I* asked *HIM.* I've hit on Rob from last semester's poetry class. I've had his screenname since New Years but didn't IM him until just recently because I was afraid it might lead to something that could jeopardize my relationship with Nick.
I've also spent a lot of time thinking about what really motivated our relationship. I have to say I never really felt chemistry, I didn't feel a spark when he first kissed me. We rarely had anything to talk about, at least not as much as I did with Jeff yesterday.
We definitely looked good on paper but I didn't really worry about the outcome of our relationship when there were lulls because we were going to have sex later. It was okay for me to sleep with him as many times as I did because we were in a relationship. Because that title was there, because we were committed, I could be shameless about it. Really, you'd be proud of how liberated I feel because of that aspect of our relationship. At the same time, I'm afraid that it really didn't mean as much to me as I believed it did while we were together. I feel rather bland about it in general.
Yet, today I cried for the first time in almost a week while listening to Barenaked Ladies before going into my massage appointment. For those minutes I realized that we weren't just sex. We were more than that. Nick and I slept together after only two and a half weeks into the relationship. I wonder if it was too soon and that if we had waited longer, the breakup would have happened before we got so involved. I've thought about this at least once every time I went over there. Maybe I should have brought it up.
I believe that there are different types of relationships that everyone is fated to have throughout their lives, and that it either takes lots of different people to fit the individual descriptions or just one which encompasses all these things.
Maybe Nick and I won't get back together. Perhaps he's my first sexual relationship in which I was fully autonomous...or maybe he's more than that and we will become something else.
