I forgot how restless I get while I'm at home.In short, Thursday night involved me and Nick crying on the phone to each other about why we both want to but can't be with each other. Looking back, they're some pretty lame reasons but he's got to work his side of it out...in the meantime, I've got to get used to the fact that we're friends. Right now it's too hard because I'll be bitter and ruin something good, something he calls "the best thing" to ever happen to him. I can't do it right now but it we'll be close again soon I know.
I have to or else it's sadder than it should be. On the bright side, it was the first time I'd ever told him I loved him. Before I told him, he said that he knew I've been wanting to say it for a while. I asked him when he knew that I wanted to say it and he told me that it was back around New Years Eve when I went up and we slept together in the early morning hours of his birthday. I told him he was wrong and that it was when he came down for Christmas dinner. I felt it pop into my head when I kissed him goodbye and lead him downtown. On the phone this last time, he said he didn't want to say the words considering the circumstances. He wanted it to be something we said to each other in Kay jewelers while picking out a ring...but he felt it too. Before getting off the phone, I told him that I didn't care that he didn't want me to say it, then I said "I love you." He commented that it makes this all harder and it does. But at least I said it. Now I'm not holding it back anymore.
I did yoga tonight. Strengthening for my abs. It felt so good. I feel energized and like I'm making a difference with my body. I feel productive and not depressed.
And that feels good.
