I'm writing this now because I have to get up early to sub in the morning.Dude. This is my third year of online journaling.
Shit, no?
I was reading over some stuff last night while talking to Kate and I realized that I had forgotten a lot about the summer of 2001. I forgot how numb I felt after I kissed Tony and realized it wasn't what I wanted after all. Those were some fun days.
It's hard to believe that he and I were so close two years ago and now we never speak. Why do I always burn my bridges? I wish I'd have written an entry about how Tony and I called our friendship off for good in July. We spoke. I held my own in the parking lot at the local movie theater. We're just too complicated for each other. So now we never speak. I never talk to Dave. I never talk to Scott. I never talk to a lot of people who I used to date, aside from exDave. I never talk to my former roommate and the girls she now lives with, who were my close friends last year. Don't get me wrong; I don't want to go back to talking to them but I want to stop shutting people out indefinitely when they hurt me. I wish things had turned out differently between us so that Tony and I could be friends still.
This is why last night I decided that I would be better off being Nick's friend instead of turning him into someone who I used to speak with. Because I love this one, I don't want to fully abandon him. I've done that enough to a lot of people, including those who haven't hurt me. I had this breakthrough during therapy. I'm stronger than I think I am and I'm handling this breakup a lot better than I have in the past.
I just remembered something that made me happy last night. I dreamt about John Mayer. We made out. He was good. Then I went from the back parking lot of my dorm where we kissed to searching for him in Target after the Grammys.
Then I dreamt that Jeff from philosophy skipped a class we didn't have together just to hang out and watch movies with me. Just like Nicolas Cage from Moonstruck, he had a wooden hand.
I think I want to see more of this kid.
