So.The other night, M came over. It's my time of the month so there was little I could do.
Lemme tell you, I knew I was screwed when he took off his shirt so I could give him the massage. He's built. He's strong and cut lean and muscular.
I gave him a backrub and then he's all exhausted, asks if he can lie down for a while and I say yeah. So as I go to lie down, he rolls me over to face him and starts to kiss me. Then he stops, asks me if I'm okay with this and I say yeah. So he covers us and then starts kissing me again.
And then, somehow, he takes off everything he's wearing and I shut off most of my lights. It was like I was finally getting with Tony. What throws me is M's technique, not the way he was doing things but just his mannerisms. It's funny. I ended up going south. Right in the middle of it, he's like "I don't mean to sound blunt or anything but you're really good at that." And I thought about it and was flattered, like "Damn, two guys and I barely did it to Nick and he thinks I'm wonderful at this...Sweet, he has no fucking clue how relatively new I am to this."
Then he said something I usually tell guys just as fair warning, "I'm sorry, I usually take forever," and then he started working himself. I just thought "Oh my god, I'm intimidated by this, why?" And it's got me thinking, in retrospect, that no matter what I do with him, it doesn't have to be a big deal. How sex, in general, doesn't have to be a big deal unless you make it that way. Sex is a funny thing, in practice. Just the mechanics of it. I mean, you use the same organs to get rid of waste that you do to give someone else and yourself pleasure. Don't get me wrong, I DO think that sex can be very meaningful, but it's not always epic. If it's always meaningful and the be all and end all of things, then it takes away from the humor you can find in it if you're looking at it the right way.
M kept asking me how I was feeling, what I was thinking, whether or not I was okay with things. And then when it was over, he asked if he could spend the night and we fell asleep together after some pillow talk. He asked what was going through my head and I mentioned how I was afraid of him just dropping me, not talking to me and doing basically what some other men do in this situation. "Where are you coming up with this stuff?" It was almost as though he suggested I was judging him and he said he wouldn't do that to me.
And, truth be told, he's spoken to me every day since. There are even plans to go and get coffee this weekend. Which has made me wonder what the game is between us, if there even is any. A major part of my head keeps asking why I don't splurge, treat myself to something nice and by something nice I mean him? And I can't really find any reason not to...but I will be careful.
