So my Great-aunt Eleanor died yesterday.I found out this morning.
She was an ultra-religious woman, but not to the point where it would piss you off.
I was with her just before my grandmother died 8 years ago. It was nice. She helped me to become a born again Christian.
But then the things with my cousin Matt started the next summer and I was never the same.
I want to go to her funeral. It will be in Boston, we're assuming. I want to be there for my mother. I'm going to do this.
Thing is, because of the fact that she's my mom and Matt's first aunt, there's a heightened chance that he will go as well. And yet, I still want to go.
Let's go over the numbers:
5 - number of years since I've been in Matt's vicinity.
7 - number of years since Matt assaulted me.
8 - number of years since my grandmother died.
In all, Matt hasn't seen me since I was thirteen, defenseless and unable to stick up for myself. And yet, the man still scares me on a superficial level.
I've dealt with all the bullshit on my own. Worked through the pain that comes with being taken advantage of and being told that you've hit on a man three times your age to the point that he had to hide from you.
I've worked through feelings of injustice, self-hatred, frustration that came with the dissolution of your relationship with your parents. Yet, if it wasn't for him, my parents and I would not be as close as we are today. They would not ALSO be my friends. My parents stopped being the parents of a teenager, and instead, became parents of a young woman who was forced to mature a little bit earlier than biologically planned.
Matt. This is the man who transformed my life in more ways in just three months.
I remember having dreams where he chased me around at my mall in a dress.
I think it's incredible, how the destructive behavior of someone can turn out to be so empowering. I mean, it's been seven years. I remember being 13 years old and wanting to be the age I am now, so I could be free.
I was also afraid that Matt would come and stalk us, stalk me and do something more to me. That I was powerless to stop him.
Now faced with the possibility that I might soon be seeing him, I feel as though by going, I'm showing myself off.
I have the power to show that I'm a 20 year old woman. I'm no longer a child. I can verbally assault and hurt him more than he could ever do me. The difference is, he deserves any pain that he receives in the future.
Oh, and still, to reiterate yesterday's entry:
NEED QUOTE HELP:::::::
Two guys are sitting together (or they could be women) and they're talkign about a break up. Guy A says to GUY B: Was there at least a goodbye lay/fuck? You know, a girl knows she's breaking up with you so she has sex with you one last time. It's the best sex you two will ever have. And then she'll dump you. Sort of a last hurrah. No? Well, some girls like to do that.
Something to that effect. If you can tell me who said it, who knows what I'll do for you but it'll be niiiiiice.
Help!!!!!!
