What would you do if I wrote you a song? Would you give me some loving when I get home or would you be mad at me if I had a hard time getting a hold of you, I try all the time...What would you do if I sang you this song? The connection is bad but that's only the phone. When my words kiss your ear, I'll be right there... Jack JohnsonI don't think I've ever mentioned this before.
I have a picture of Tony, from his senior year, 2002. He gave it to me when I saw him on Friday night. There's something different about him now. We reconnected and it felt nice.
His photo though...It makes me nervous, not sure why. Just this one picture, not the others. He looks so handsome and loving and just completely unaware of what's to happen to him in his life.
He told me that he and Cindy were done for good. And he knew he was right because this decision to just be friends resulted from a discussion and not a fight. He had just gone to Paraguay to visit friends, made out with two or three girls. "I have to ask, are there any hickeys?" I asked. "No," he smiled and we continued with our reuniting.
Tony's a bit off center in the photo.
I don't know why its effecting me the way it does. It's just this one photo. Maybe its because it's the only one that I have of him in which I'm not standing next to him.
Sometimes, I wonder if it is really he and I and not he and Cindy who are done with each other. Tony represents to me who I used to think I was. Someone I liked but also someone who wouldn't have the balls to do some of the things she's doing today. And while I'm glad that part of who I was then is gone, I miss the relationship Tony and I had then. It was, as I remember it for everything good and bad, just about one of the first times I allowed myself to actually love someone since my cousin (exDave not included).
I thought the other day, how things would be if Tony and I were to sleep with each other in the future. If I, and not Cindy, am to be his first time. What if I was? I'm not going to hope for it, we are not together right now, but I've realized that this is the first time he and I are both single at the same time. I wonder if there's any clout in his parents thinking we'll be married one day. They don't care that I don't know spanish but I promised them I'd learn it after Tony proposes to me.
How old are you when you can trust your instincts about "knowing" you're going to marry someone?
I don't understand. But I get this weird, nervous, but not altogether bad feeling when I look at his photo. Something tells me he and I are not done with each other. There is more to this story. And the writing of our storyline is, for once, out of my hands.
