In the car yesterday with my father, he told me about how my brother Jeremy asked the following "Can I have another sister?"The shit hit the fan two nights ago (Sunday night, when I could and SHOULD have been at FRFF), when he asked me what a feminazi was and even when I tried to back out of the inevitable argument, we went on to discuss what would happen if I was to get pregnant.
For those of you who do not know, I would be financially and emotionally unable to carry a child. This would call for me to drop out of college and live at home until the I gave birth. Not to mention, it would also involve Jeremy hovering over me in self-righteousness over my decision to carry the kid, thinking that by doing so, I was agreeing with him about everything from Conservativeness to Muslims to Afghanistan to homosexuality.
This is SO not an option.
It just pisses me off that he thinks what I do with my body is HIS choice to make. I have to remind him that he's only my fucking brother who lives at home with his parents at the age of 33 with no fucking job, no fucking college education and no fucking life but the one he get from interfering with mine with his fucking conservative asshole narrow-minded standpoint.
I should have stayed in Albany for the month of August, or at least hitched a ride with any of my FRFF campers who were going any place but here.
It all came down to this conversation:
Me: Jeremy, I need you to be able to accept any decision I would make if I was pregnant without trying to change it.Jeremy: I would never try to change you.Me: No, Jeremy, I need you to be able to accept any decision I would make if I was pregnant without trying to change it.Jeremy: I would never try to change you. I love you (STOP FUCKING TELLING ME THIS!!!!!!!!! CAUSE YOU DON'T).Me: Jeremy, I need you to be able to accept any decision I would make if I was pregnant without trying to change it.Jeremy: I wouldn't try to change you, I'd try to change your mind about it.Me: I couldn't put the baby up for adoption.Jeremy: I wouldn't make you go through adoption, I'd make you keep it. You don't think that maybe with the baby in you and all your chemical composition changing, you'd suddenly want to keep the baby?Me: Excuse me, Make me? Lemme ask you something. You want me to have a career, right?Jeremy: Yes.Me: In order to do that and get out of this hellhole of a town, I'd have to finish going to college. You want me to graduate from college, right?Jeremy: Yes.Me: Okay. So lemme ask you this - Can mom and dad honestly afford another baby?Jeremy: Well, no.Me: That's my point. I could not afford the emotional attachment that comes with having a child, even if I didn't keep it. I don't have to have kids just because my body tells me it's going to.
Fucking. Hate. Him. He can't understand any of what I'm saying because he's not a kid. He tried asking me what would happen if the kid I was supposed to have but aborted would have cured cancer. He doesn't understand that it doesn't work that way or that the people that are in the world right now are here for a reason, that those who are not alive right now are not alive and nothing can change that no matter how much time you spend your life wondering WHAT FUCKING IF about every last thing that happened. If he wants to think of it in terms of what would happen if a fertilized egg was aborted, then I want him to think that everytime he jerks off he's wasting valuable sperm that could have been used to fertilize the egg that created the person who finds the cure to cancer or AIDS or the person who could have turned out to be the next Hitler. He finished it with saying that if abortion was right then he wouldn't be here
Maybe he wouldn't be. Maybe if he wasn't living in this house right now, I wouldn't feel my blood pressure start to rise when he walks into the room out of sheer frustration with his just being around me with the false sincerity that comes out of his mouth whenever he says he loves me (for no good reason). I don't want him to love me. Not the way he says he does. I have other people in my life who knew how to love me the right way, from the start, with no exceptions. I do not need him.
