I hate the week of/before my period. I'm more tired, cranky and hungry than usual.
But due to all the bunking I've done in the last three months, it's probably better that I deal with the periods than the lack of them.
I should mention things I haven't already:
1) Upped my loan from $2000 to $4000. I'll get $2k per semester. When I get the first cut next weekend, $1k is going into a CD and the other is being used for stuff for the dorm, books, food, filler til I get a job. Then, I'll do the same when the other $2k comes in. Come summer, I'll use that $2k to live in Albany. Yay :)
2) I haven't told my gramma (payer for college) that I've applied and been granted the loans. So when she said she had sent the check for $750 which arrived today, I was shocked. She knows I'm practically financially destitute (2 parents both unemployed until mom goes back to work a week from now), and I didn't tell her that I couldn't accept it for the loan reasons. Plus, I'll admit that as much as I can't stand her politics/jewish gramma guilt trips, I can't deny that I do need money and I'm afraid I'll start blowing it all once I get my books and stuff all bought away (not to mention, John Mayer's new album "Heavier Things" drops in two weeks and I want to buy that...).
3) I believe it will all pay off. I keep asking for signs that I'll be published/famous one day. This morning, I was flipping through the channels and found John Mayer's Live version of "Your Body Is a wonderland" on MTV and when it ended, the video version was on VH1. Bear in mind, that he was a great source of inspiration for my current novel. I thought nothing of it until I went downstairs to shower and turned the radio on when I got out. "We've got the afternoon..." streamed from my radio.
4) My best friend left me yesterday. Ilene got on the road this morning to go to Oberlin. She's two years younger than me and so this is her first year at college. I don't know why I feel it's hitting me now but I've always depended on her being here, in this little town. And now she's gone.
She's gone and Cathy's gone.
Cathy's gone and I'm still here, knowing that I won't feel the full effects of any of it until I reach Albany this Friday.
I just feel sad. Sad and tired.
I feel as though this has been building. I've spent the last month since Falcon Ridge on some sort of a high. Now it's getting into crunch time. Now it's the beginning of the latter half of my college experience and I find myself driven to create something that I've never created before; a life away from my parents and this town in which a life was created for me.
I want something better for myself. I want to get my name out there for having done something wonderful, original and creative. I know how to do it but I need to kick my ass and ACTUALLY do it.
Cause if I don't, it'll be right back to this house after graduation and that simply isn't acceptable.
But to give something new to you, I'd like to share some lyrics to kind of say how I'm feeling right now:
John Mayer : Wheel People have the right to flyAnd will when it gets compromisedTheir hearts say "Move along"Their minds say "Gotcha heart"Let's move it alongLet's move it along
And airports, see it all the timeWith someone's last goodbyeBlends in with someone's sighCause someone's coming homeIn hand a single rose
That's the way this wheel keeps working nowThat's the way this wheel keeps working nowAnd I won't be the lastNo I won't be the last, to love her
You can't build a house of leavesAnd live like it's an evergreenIt's just a season thingIt's just this thing that seasons do
And that's the way this wheel keeps working nowThat's the way this wheel keeps working nowAnd you won't be the firstNo you won't be the first to love me
You can't love too much, one part of it (repeat)
You can find me, if you ever want to giveI'll be around the bendI'll be around the bendI'll be around, I'll be aroundAnd if you never stop when you wave goodbyeYou just might find if you give it timeYou will wave hello againYou just might wave hello again
And that's the way this wheel keeps working nowThat's the way this wheel keeps working now
I believe that my life's gonna seeThe love I give return to meI believe that my life's gonna see yeahThe love I give return to me.I believe that my life's gonna see the love I giveReturn to me...
