I have to admit, I do still find him attractive. And in spite of everything, I haven't stopped caring about the man's welfare and feelings. Also, show this entry to him or not, as I know some of you are in the position to and would. But that isn't my purpose today, I am writing this for me. I hope that one day, he and I are able to blow past all of the bullshit we did to each other. If not, I plan on including a little snippet of him in my autobiography so there is the chance that my people will have to get in touch with his people so that I can get clearance to publish it. I'd be honest, admit that I was too infatuated and that he was too encouraging. We were both responsible for how it ended: I was wrong for creating the scenario and he handling it in a 'burn my bridges' sort of way.
You are Jian Ghomeshi. You have style, rhythm, and
an incredibly sexy voice. You should always
wear your hair short.
Which Member of Moxy Fruvous Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I wonder, if he and I were still on speaking terms, if he'd laugh at this. Or, if he found out while our relationship stands as it currently is, would he still think I'm a stalker?
Let's get some stuff out in the open because I'm over it already. I did something hurtful to somebody I cared about and I have no real excuse, so don't read the following part as a means of excusing what I did. There are no excuses, just an account of what went down. So you can comment all you want about it, as I'm aware a LOT of you have but it was a while ago. The point of all this isn't to rehash it, it's just for me to come to terms with it by admitting it. So, here's my point:
Around Novemberish of 2001 (see, it was some TIME AGO), I was fiddling around online and there was nothing to do in my dorm. I had no TV. I had no radio. I went onto fhdc and was thinking about Jian, why he had acted the way he had at Valentines the week before or so. You also have to know that I'm a voyeur. Not sexually, but in general.
So out of my curiosity, I really can't remember what lead me to be all "Hey, let's see what's going on in there," I went onto the mail server which hosted Jian's email account. You have to understand: he had this mail service forwarding all the emails to another address, so he never actually went into the mail server account.
He chose a really obvious word for his password, but it didn't click in my head to try it. But when I did, I got inside and originally swore never to return.
But I went back on that and kept going in and seeing what was inside hoping to see something that I never saw: a venue to get closer to him. Mind you, it's been almost 2 years since I was inside so I don't remember anything I saw nor did I ever save any information.
He and I would have been better off had he kept an online diary much like this.
When the shit hit the fan and Jian started getting suspicious, I apologized. He cut off all ties and there was some talk about me getting what was coming to me. With good reason, he had disgust for me and wanted to see me punished. I'm not going to get into it but both I and a few close friends saw a side of him that we didn't know existed, one that contradicted with a lot of his outer beliefs. But, when pushed against a wall, these things emerge. I'm not speaking for his emotions, I have no right to. And I was disgusted with myself too: I almost backed out of going to Frucon 5 for the sake of his comfort. In the end, my friends helped me realize that Jian would only really be around for a short segment of time at the actual con and that I didn't have to go to his show that night. My school put me on probation and some other stuff that I don't want to admit here, and I agreed to stay off of FHDC until Jian got over it. I'll never know whether or not he ever has or ever will get over the hurt of what I did. Perhaps, he has stopped caring: he is a busy man. I hope that one day, it'll be okay for us to be in the same room without ignoring each other or him wishing I was not there (I don't know if he's ever felt that way or if he would, because we haven't even been in the same vicinity since October 2001). But it's been a year and a half since I was restricted and a year since Josh was kind enough to let me back in (it was not his decision to restrict me, let's make that clear:).
Sometimes, I think about how weird it is that Josh and I never met up until this summer.
Sometimes, I wish that I hadn't done a thing and that I would still be able to look forward to those once in a blue moon emails from Jian. But, those days ain't coming back and it's my fault that they're dead. It's kind of ironic since I'm now able to have the type of relationship with him that I wasn't capable of before: the kind we had before I fucked up. I've matured in that I don't so much need contact with people to feel their approval. I wouldn't freak out now if he and I were still in contact and he didn't email me for about 5 months, I wouldn't think of it as a sign that I've done/said/implied something wrong in my last email to him. Cause, if you think about it, he and I haven't spoken in almost two years and it's because I really did do something wrong. And I'm fine.
I still have my friends, the ones that didn't forget me when I was banned, didn't choose to treat me differently due to whatever gossip they had heard, and more importantly, the ones who could make a point not to give a shit, ones who didn't like him anyway and know when to let go of the past.
I just wanted some of you to know that I didn't go unaffected and did feel remorse for what I did.
Jian will probably never read this unless somebody shows him but that's not the point.
Point is, it happened and it's not happening anymore.
Nothing happens with him anymore. I see him on CBC and think about the connection I've singlehandedly severed. I secretly hope that he'll have to talk to somebody named Sally and, just for a second, he'll think of me. But it's bittersweet because I haven't exactly left him with happy memories to tap into. I hope that one day, it'll be okay and we'll be in contact again. I'm not holding my breath or emailing him, relentlessly and begging for forgiveness. If it happens, it would probably have to be by mistake or chance.
But life carries on and people stop thinking about each other. For the most part, I have...but every now and then...
