The past 24 hours have been emotionally interesting and challenging in and of themselves. And I've shocked myself with just how ballsy I can truly be. Turns out, I have a lot of guts and bravery and I never give myself the credit.
M came over tuesday night, the night before classes. I was walking around his dorm as it's next to mine and holds a lot of my friends.
I was trying to avoid him, mainly out of my own insecurities. He and I have only really banged over the summer and this had left me with the fear that he would ignore my presence once his and my friends were back on campus. As I was heading back to his dorm to get a disc from someone, I see somebody coming out that I thought was him.
So I do what any normal human being in such a situation would do: I pick up my cellphone and pace around, checking my voicemail to pretend that I'm on the phone.
A few seconds later I hear stones hitting the ground. I turn around.
"Where do you think you're going this late at night?" he asks.
I think fast, get a pun in my head about him trying to target me with the rocks. "Now don't tell me you're trying to hit on me."
He laughs. We walk around for a few and he says he'll be back at my room by 10:30.
10:30 rolls around and we have sex twice. I swear to God, this was the best we've ever had it. At least, I thought it was. We were both left saying 'Wow.'
Somewhere between then and last night, I start questioning my true motives with him and vice versa. And I start doubting whether or not it's right for M and I to continue on as we are without having "the conversation."
And yet, I felt like asking him where we stood, officially. I had been torn up about this all day (with the exception of that glorious hour and a half that I was in the presence of Burkey), wondering when and where I would ask him and whether or not I would be able to do it without sounding like I wanted a certain answer.
Is this turning into something or are we going to stay as is?
To be honest, I didn't know what I wanted his answer to be.
So I found him last night in the dining hall. Walked over to his table, seeing that he was alone. I asked, insisting that I'd be happy with either option and that I meant it. Because the truth is, not knowing what the boundaries are can be more trouble than being unhappy with knowing them.
He answered, "I'm just going with the flow."Me: So when I meet someone else, what happens? You'd be okay if I ended it?Him: The minute you feel uncomfortable, you let me know and this is over.
I was happy when I left the table, felt proud of myself for being able to confront somebody about how they do or do not feel about me without turning into a babbling desperate sounding idiot. But I did it. I said what I came over to say and then I left, playing it cool.
Twenty minutes later, I lost the feeling of comfortability that I had when I left the table on good terms with him. I started questioning the double standards that are both internally and externally imposed.
When he didn't show up last night, I took it as a sign that he didn't like me and I let that effect me more than the situation deserved to. But then I caught up with him today, met his roommate and hung around for a while. We, if that term can be applied to M and I, are okay; meaning, we'll continue to please each other the way we have so far. There are things about him I don't like and it's a good thing that I realize such things. I am not blind...at least not completely.
I honestly can't say exactly what I want from him but I can say that I don't want him to not be around.
