With this entry, I want to let you know that I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm done and there is nothing left to say. Let's leave this when and where it belongs: in the past and my memories. I don't need your opinions on this so I'm getting rid of your chance to do so. Let's just leave it alone. This is the last entry about it and when it's over, it'll be over. It's kind of weird when the closure you need comes from other people approving of what you've done.
I guess that's what I've needed all this time, to have my peers here acknowledge and commend me on the accomplishment of fucking Miguel nearly 10 times.
I saw him dancing tonight and I got my closure from the other people in the room, there were about 100 of them, watching him move and saying he was hot and stuff.
They were saying things I already knew. As I watched him grind, gyrate his hips and arouse me, I started wondering what I was aroused about. I asked myself if I was fantasizing about something that I want to happen. Then I understood that I was fantasizing about something that did happen. I was being turned on by the idea of going after something I've already had more times than I had planned.
The girls behind me tonight - who were screaming because they thought he was hot - will never be able to reach my accomplishment. I now understand that I'm above them.
Miguel and I have had sex 7 times.
I've gone down on him 8 times.
He has given me 7 instances of the best sex I've ever had.
I'm grateful because he disclosed a part of me that I didn't know existed and - at least from the moment I met him - it was a part I didn't think I wanted coming out. He reminds me of those love robots in A.I. ~ Artificial Intelligence. That movie with Haley Joel Osment and Jude Law. Jude Law was this robot who went around de-virginizing women or showing them good sex. Miguel is that robot.
There's a side of me that nobody ever got to see before I ever got infolved with Miguel; hedonistic, purely sexual, proud, happy and relaxed.
I remember how worried I was before things happened. I thought way too much and deliberated too needlessly about the effect he would have on my life. Then I understood that it was just sex. I am giving myself the gift of guiltless intimacy. I remember that first night we were together. He didn't sleep over and I was happy with that. It was twice in a row, intimate and he kept stopping, asking if I was okay and I was. I just should have treated him in my mind the way things really happened: Miguel appearing and then fading off as I fell asleep and dreamt about the future...which didn't include him.
Maybe we'll sleep together again in the future, because I don't believe he's one to settle down. Who knows where I'll be by that time. I'm not holding my breath for it because he could very well surprise me and marry Evelyn, becoming the man he's presenting himself to be.
I have to remember that he is not someone to be intimidated by. When I had dominance over him in the bedroom, going down on him, his pleasure was in my hands. I had control. I had the ability to stop and leave him wanting more. But those seven hours - not including the hours we've spent simply asleep in each other's arms - changed me.
And all this time, I've wanted other people to commend me on my actions with him. It's why I've been dwelling, talking about him in front of people just to hear their reactions.
Tonight, Kara saw him.
Kara turned to me and said "All I have to say, is 'Go Sally.'"
And she's right. He was a demon I had to demolish, a hurdle I had to get over and I think I've done that. And I was sad tonight when I realize I was fantasizing over something that had already happened. Sleeping with him now would just be for pleasure and it's a pleasure I wouldn't turn down if offered ever again. It's just taken me 6 months to see that I don't necessarily need to be with him again, nor am I seeking to.
She saw him the way I saw him, before I saw him naked and bare (physically and emotionally - in bed). But in reality, she'll never really see Miguel the way I saw him, and neither will any of you.
You'll never understand the feeling of control I had over him. You'll never get to see how happy I made him and the things he unleashed inside of me, this vixen I became and who has taken a hold of my body and person. I don't think I even want you to because then, I'd have to share the specialty of what he and I had and I don't want that.
I have no anger towards him, no resentment, nothing bad to say about the boy. Instead, I have a weird sort of respect for him, for what he's done to me, cause no matter what's happened, I've never been hurt by him. Sure I've been pissed off and irritated and annoyed and aggravated but those are minor things. He never got inside my heart. I never loved him, he only gave me one thing to love: sex and the clarity that they do not mean the same thing.
Miguel has shown me that sex does not equal pain and separation. You cannot pull apart what was never together. We are simply going back to the way things were and I have lost nothing.
I keep wanting to write more about the feeling of clarity I have acheived tonight, because I fear I may forget how powerful people can be, I'll forget how correct I am about things when I feel I'm wrong.
Steve Martin once said that "at the beginning of something, its ending is foretold," and I think that's true but I want to meld it in this case.
At the beginning of all this - and I mean the very beginning, orientation 2001 when I was in love with Tony, I was a scared little girl who was getting her first taste of the things the world had to offer her. I was attracted to people who weren't available. Miguel scared the shit out of me, because I knew that one day I'd become involved with someone like him, someone who would challenge me without ever saying it and who would do so in such a way that was going to change the core of my existence. The fact that he was so sexual and shameless made me envious, made me wish that I could exist thinking the same things he did. Though he scared me, I wanted so deeply to believe that one day, I'd stop feeling so alone and sheltered, so hurt by the one aspect of growing up that should be healthy. And I think part of me knew that Miguel was going to be the one to do that, to bring that out and make it happen. I thought Dave did it, I thought Nick did it but in the end it was Miguel. And it had to be him, because it couldn't be someone who knew about my past. Miguel knows nothing about my life, he came into my world without bias or pretention and I don't think he even could begin to understand my attachment to what has happened to me through knowing him.
"At the beginning of something, its ending is foretold." I think it's true, but I know that I began my adulthood fearing sex. Miguel has shown me that it is something to be embraced. I began knowing him with ungrounded hatred, anger and fear for the truth that he possessed and I no longer hate, resent or fear him. Instead, I come out of this both embracing myself because of my interactions with Miguel and respecting him for the change and truth he brought.
